A Smart Business Plan

A new shift manager was being shown around the Latex factor where he was just hired. The plant manufactures various latex products, and has a reputation for using cutting edge technology in their manufacturing process.

On one side of the building, the factory makes baby bottle nipples. The machine makes a loud "hiss-pop" noise, and the shift manager asks his tour guide what it's doing. "As the rubber is being injected into the mould, it makes a hiss noise." he says "The popping sound is from needle poking a hole in the end of the nipple."

On the other side of the building, the two men look at the condom making machine. This machine makes a "hiss.. hiss... hiss-pop" sound during the manufacturing process. "Wait a second," the future shift manager says, "I know what the hiss, hiss is... but what's with the 'pop' noise every once in a while?"

"Oh, that hehe. It's the same as the baby bottle nipple process." says the guide... "It pokes a hole in every third condom."

"But that can't be good for the condoms!" the observant shift manager replied.

"Nah, but it's really good for the baby bottle nipple business!"

Married Life – Going To The Bar

A couple had only been married for two weeks. The husband, although very much in love, couldn't wait to go out on the town and party with his old buddies.

So, he said to his new wife, "Honey, I'll be right back." Where are you going, Coochy Coo?" asked the wife.

"I'm going to the bar, Pretty Face. I'm going to have a beer." The wife said, "You want a beer, my love?" She opened the door to the refrigerator and showed him 25 different kinds of beer, brands from 12 different countries: Germany, Holland, Japan, India, etc.

The husband didn't know what to do, and the only thing that he could think of saying was, "Yes, Lollipop...but at the bar...you know...they have frozen glasses... "

He didn't get to finish the sentence, because the wife interrupted him by saying, "You want a frozen glass, Puppy Face?" She took a huge beer mug out of the freezer, so frozen that she was getting chills just holding it.

The husband, looking a bit pale, said, "Yes, Tootsie Roll, but at the bar they have those hors d'oeuvres that are really delicious...I won't be long. I'll be right back. I promise. OK?"

"You want hors d'oeuvres, Poochie h?" She opened the oven and took out 5 dishes of different hors d'oeuvres: chicken wings, pigs in blankets, mushroom caps, and pork strips.

"But my sweet honey...at the bar....you know there's swearing, dirty words and all that..."

"You want dirty words, Cutie Pie? "LISTEN UP D*CKHEAD! SIT DOWN, SHUT THE F*CK UP, DRINK YOUR DAMN BEER IN YOUR DAMN FROZEN MUG, AND EAT YOUR F*CKIN' HORS D'OEUVRES. BECAUSE YOUR MARRIED ASS ISN'T GOING TO A F*CKIN' BAR! THAT SH*IT IS OVER... GOT IT, AS*HOLE?"

...and they lived happily ever after.

Daniel

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Crochet Chronicles (4): House Hunting

I have been wanting to photo all those adorable Amigurumi toys that Juliana made for her siblings. Once I half-heartedly looked through the playroom and found two, got distracted. Another time I found one in the living room, had the thought to then keep looking but sunlight was fading. I always seem to see a few when I'm not ready to take a photo. (I'm pretty sure that this is a cruel truth of blogging.) But today, the first day in I don't know how long where I was entirely alone for an entire day in my home (happy dance), I thought that I would (rays of sunshine too) find all those little varmints and shoot their portrait. So, I looked. I found one. One duck. Ya know why I found it? Cause it's mine. Juliana made this one for me. One duck. One cranky duck who cannot find any of her dumbigurumi toy friends anywhere. What is with my kids!? This place is a complete and total mess! (I'm very sure that this is a cruel truth of mothering.) But on my hunt around the house I found.....



....this, we'll call it a weaving on the living room couch. I looked over last night between the chorus of family snickers at American Idol gafooeys and found Isabela to be doing this. She didn't ask me how, or anything, she just took it upon herself to warp and and weft this little piece of cardboard for fun.



On the girls' bedroom rug (which you really can't even make out anymore because of everything that is disguising it) I found this scarf that Eleni has started after I taught her how to single crochet over the holidays. She will pick this up and sit next to me any time that I have yarn in my own lap, and it is obvious how entirely grown up and smart this makes her feel at (as of last week) 7 years old. It sort of grows in all directions, though not purposefully. I found that the attitude that I give her in response to this unintended sort of wonkiness, is the attitude that she has officially adopted. It goes like this : "Oh well, its fun, and you get better the more you do it and its better than doing nothing."



On Eleni's bed I found Blueberry wearing her first attempt at a scarf that got really curly. Oh well, Blueberry needed a scarf anyway. I do remember too now, that Isabela crocheted a scarf and a teeny, tiny beret for her little owl Amigurumi, location unknown.

Inspiration is such a funny thing. In my naivete (after 19 years of parenting, it fades not) I presumed that all these little toys would get made, and that they would become the characters of hours of imaginative play, sit pristinely on a bedside table perhaps, or maybe tuck neatly under a pillow. (In fact they are scattered. Somewhere. I'm sure we'll find them. Or likely if I ask they can tell me exactly where.) It also reminds me how after Jeff had spent days building them a gorgeous house way up the in cedar trees, instead of playing in the new tree house they were mostly just inspired to nail wood to trees. Lots of trees. It seems that giving them handmade mostly inspires them to make. And what more could we give them really? As is typically the case, whenever a good thing has been done by us- the parenting portion of us, which increasingly includes Juliana,- it was undoubtedly and completely done by mistake.

A cruel, humbling truth.
But cause for joy, nonetheless.

Have a great weekend, xoxo, Anna

Gabby

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Where I snuck out

Sneaking back in after a weekend in Palm Springs helping my friend Heather teach a sewing workshop. It was so so so so hard. Jeff stop reading here. It was so so so so fun. I had no idea when I scheduled it with her in December that I would be coming out of one million seventeen snowdays and in dire need of mental repair. (And believe me, had I planned it before the class was booked, I would have told you about it.) The format was great, everyone brought their own projects and Heather and I each just flitted around helping where we could, offering advice, deciphering patterns, building muslins, and sometimes scribbling less that appropriate things on those muslins but all in the name of the perfect fit. (But I certainly did not pay a woman with a free pattern to march around the crowded pool wearing said muslin. No sir.) We were at the Ace the whole weekend, which was an experience in itself. I can't believe I didn't take my camera. Actually yes I can. To leave home, I walked down an icy hill at 6am in the dark with my luggage to get to our car which wouldn't make it up the night before. So yes, balmy Palm Springs was just slightly different than my current norm.

Despite the delicious food, stylish accommodations, groovy inhabitants, adult snowcones and sunny poolside settings my very favorite part was doing exactly what is shown above- helping Raven and 15 other lovely talented women geek out on some sewing detail.

Thank you Heather for asking me! And you promised to draw me on your blog, so I'm waiting, lady. And I don't care if you're still by the pool without me.

xo, AM

Sam

A Quilt for Queensland Auction!

I won't even bother to describe the devastation in dear Queensland since the flooding except to say that I cannot even conceive of it. They need help, every form of help, money and prayers. Today I am offering this quilt that is dear to me up for auction (more written about it here). I designed the fabric, the quilt, and pieced, patched, hand quilted and bound every bit of it myself. In fact, much of it was even hand quilted on that amazing journey we took last year. So you can bet that blood, sweat and most definitely tears also inhabit this piece of work. But it still smells nice, promise.

The quilt is made from my Gathering Flowers Quilt pattern in the Twin/Full size which is 72" x 90" and is backed entirely in the Square Dance Berry Voile. This quilt is a mix of cotton voile and cotton quilt weight fabrics.

How to bid on this quilt:

1. Bidding starts at $100 US.

2. Place a bid by leaving a comment on this blog post with your bid amount. Please make sure that your bid is higher than the previous bidder.

3. Bid must be in whole dollar increments.

4. This auction is open to everyone in the world, and I will offer free shipping worldwide.

5. The auction begins now and will end at midnight on Monday, January 24, 2011.

6. At the close of the auction, I will contact the winner, so please leave your comment with a link to your email or blog.

7. The winning bidder will donate the amount of the bid directly to the Premier’s Flood Relief Appeal and send confirmed receipt of payment via email to sales@annamariahorner.com. Then we will ship this beautiful quilt to you!

Happy Bidding! Be sure to see the master list of all the current auctions happening around blogland.

EDITED TO ADD: Thanks to each of you for your generous bids, and most certainly to our winning bidder, Diane. I also want to thank Toni Coward so much for coordinating the auctions and making it so very easy for the rest of us. We often feel powerless. I particularly didn't imagine I would have the time to do anything to help as I am feeling behind with my own efforts for Tennessee Flood victims, however the mere mention of auction and her willingness to get the word out and provide a template made it so simple. Thank you! Diane I will get in touch!

lots of love, Anna

Cynthia

Yvette

Crochet Chronicles (3): Poppy, Gray, Mint

But while she was here we crocheted. A lot. I think I've mentioned this. What I haven't mentioned is that the happiness that it gives me is something hard to describe. Its simple and its complex maybe, too. Its this: it is a feeling of laziness, happiness, fulfillment and duty all in one. It gives my lungs goose bumps and I feel like nothing will ever sadden me ever again, because we've sat busy, together, working away and enjoying. (Please make fun of me now, roll your eyes, or click to a worthy blog or get back to work or something. I understand.)



On the same shopping trip where I bought knee socks and pajama pants she made the more ambitious purchases of mint green nail polish and poppy red lipstick, which indicated that she was the more likely of the two us to get off the couch at some point and do something with people who do things. This scarf that she made is just the continuous pattern of whats referred to in my go-to-crochet-book as the strawberry stitch. And if I weren't obsessed with cropped photos of late, and had I asked her to spread the layer out, you would see the repetitive strawberry motif. But I didn't, so you cant.



But anyway, she only began this scarf for herself after she had made precisely one Amigurumi animal for each sibling as a Christmas gift. The kids have been begging me for (uhhhhh) two years to make these, and it took Juliana being here for someone to do it. As she worked on them in plain site the kids would bombard her with whines, wimpers and whys about how they wanted one too, because Juliana insisted that she was making them for her friends. Sorry I don't have a pic of them at present, but they are loved and scattered around the house.



Smack. Right on that cheek. Juliana is the family crochet fairy. The kids were so excited by the little owl, duck, penguin, coffee mug, turtle and octopus. Sigh.

In other news:

* Dear sweet Judi has posted a little Q&A we did over at her SewRetroBookBlog today, and (thats a big AND) I'm giving away quite the pile of sewing loot and she is giving away a copy of her lovely book over there too! So head over and say hello....I think she has a question for you to answer in the comments, so be good and follow instructions, or you will be sent to the back of the line.

* I am so excited to have been asked to be a judge for the Handmade Olympics created and hosted by rikrakstudio. I will be judging the blog category, so go make your nominations now! There are over $2000 smackers worth of prizes, so better yet, have your friend go nominate you!

* I'm sure you and your kindness have already been directed towards flood relief efforts for Queensland, but please also visit Toni Coward's MakeItPerfect blog to support all the blog auctions that she has listed there. There is gorgeous stuff up for grabs and all for a good cause, of course. If you can't purchase anything just directing some of your own readers or pals there will be so appreciated. I plan to post something for auction here tomorrow, so please check back!

*Okay kids, I think that's it.

*Oh wait. This isn't nearly as important as those items listed above but yesterday at the Verizon's after being told I was due for a completely free Droid, and went through all the hutzpuh to get it, I actually heard this statement come out of Verizon girl's mouth: "Okay, so your total for the free Droid comes to $130.17". I repeated it back to her hoping she would find the humor in it by placing an emphasis on the word "free". She didn't laugh, but said something about a rebate that I can't remember. Which I think is part of the plan.

lots of love,
Anna Maria

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The Art Student, a portrait from January 2011

Is it possible that I could miss 1 child when 6 friends (you read that right) have been over here playing with my other 5 children? (6+5=11 btw). More than possible?

The best winter break ever. Then she drew a rabbit on her wrist and hopped back to school, which she accidentally referred to as "home". Which made me sad. But now that she's there, it makes me entirely happy. To call it home means that she's happy too.

So today we are good.
Back soon with more from the Crochet Chronicles.
xoxo,Anna

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Crochet Chronicles (2): The Ruffle Neck (or- Where I Continue To Digitally Dote)

We were somewhere. Textile, I think. And Isabela saw a scarf that was ruffled around all edges. I remember it to be a knitted scarf, but I felt confident that we could crochet it. She picked out a wooly yarn with teal, navy, black and with some accents of rust spun along.



As it is such a thick yarn, I used a really large hook beginning by just making a couple rows of single crochet along the length. I included some baubles in the next row, then repeated another few rows of single crochet.



So after about 5 rows of sc, I began to double crochet. Every few stitches I included 3 or 4 dc's into a single stitch to begin creating the ruffle. Then it seems it was the very next row that I began to scallop by hooking about 7 treble crochets into one stitch, then skipping 2 or 3 stitches, slip stitching through the next, skipping a few again then trebling several into one again. And so on. Got it?



I just thought I would tell ya in case you wanted to wing one. The above pose was her idea. My little stylist.



We decided after a scalloped ruffle was along one side of the scarf that we didn't want the other side to have a ruffle. It had nothing to do with her anxiousness to put it on. Or my aching fingers after speed crocheting it in one evening.



Or that she wanted to poke her fingers into the baubles.



And to commence being an utterly adorable 9 year old in the wintertime with golden hair and a ruffley, warm neck.

Bravo Bela.

(and yay mom)

modestly, mom

Shana

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Crochet Chronicles (1): The Lion In Winter

Its embarrassing how much my rear has been in a cushy chair crocheting for the past few weeks. I was all set to just do one or two things, but then Juliana seems to have become just as obsessed with hook and yarn, so that the pair of us now just encourage it in the other. We crochet, we chat, we nibble, we repeat. I did leave the house once this week with all the girls to go shopping. But I bought a new pair of pajama pants and some knee socks. We know where that'll take me. One night our crochatting had us up till 4am. But we were finishing Christmas gifts. So that's excusable. Another night 2 am. Most nights after 12am. Then finally one night had us giggling so hard and trying to fit Whoppers in our nostrils so I told her that the next night she had to go out and spend time with people her own age. More mature than me. Anyway.



I made a lion for my baby. His first word was ROAR. So they get along perfectly. I was inspired by the lovely Blabla line of soft toys and pillows (for years now). Simple and friendly.



Also seen snuggling along here is a sweet single crochet blanket Juliana made while I was pregnant with Roman. And the reverse side of his crib quilt peeking out beneath it all.



Once abandoned for more stimulating activity, this little cub has no trouble finding surrogates.

A few lion specifics: Saffron & rust yarns are both Amy's organics, face details were radom wool or silk scraps. The face (and back) is just single crochet increasing in the round for a flat circle (I found an online tutorial to refresh my memory) and the mane is just a ruffley couple of rows of double crochet. I sewed a simple inner pillow using a solid cotton and inserted into the crochet cover when I was about 3/4 of the way around stitching the front to the back. The face details were just chain stitched on embroidery style using a giant yarn needle. That was my favorite part.

More soon, xoox, Anna

Janet

How much for that puppy- errrhh quilt -in the window

Ever since a photo of Mister Leo Dog snuggling one of my new quilts made an appearance in my blog header and on the front page of my website, I have been snowed with emails about whether or not this is the Gathering Flowers Quilt pattern, which fabrics exactly went into making it, did I hand quilt it and if so with what, oh and is there a kit. So Leo and I thought we would answer those of you who asked and the rest of you can just look at the pictures of the dog which in my opinion are worthy of collapsing from cuteness. But who am I to say, really?



Actually I'll do all the responding. Leo will edit.



From over there.



Yes this is my Gathering Flowers Quilt pattern. Isn't it exciting how different one pattern can look if you completely switch up the fabrics? I love the original version that is on the pattern cover, but those swirly flowers were begging me to be scrapped together with a little of everything. I chose to use all one block style for this quilt (the pattern offers two), which is just flat piecing as opposed to the gathered rosette style block. It definitely saves time, and allows for more fabric variety in the flower. And this variety of fabrics includes all my Innocent Crush cottons, all of the Pastry Line stripes and the Square Dance panels (now printed on smooth cotton voile). My color plan of attack mostly just had me keeping the flower centers (pie shapes) as lighter tones, the flower petals as medium tones, and the background shapes as deeper tones. I just cut up everything, made each block sort of without thought, then arranged the blocks together with a pretty careful eye for color balance. In the end I sort of wished I had switched the lighter tones to the petals and the medium tones to the flower centers. But that's why I keep making quilts. Amen.

And yes I hand quilted just the outer edges of the petals and I think I'll do the criss-cross lines of the flower centers too somehow.... still thinking. Its a different look than the more intense quilting on the solid background of the first version....but I like it. Lots. I used Anchor's perle cotton in a creamy white, size 8, and whatever embroidery needle was nearby at the time. (I go on and on and on about hand quilting here and here.)

And a kit that I'm calling the Gathering (Wild)flowers Quilt. This is really as wild as I get these days.

Leo says good.
Good dog.
Happy patching and napping. xo, Anna