A day of details

We tore the attic studio (upstairs, white room, what do I call it again?) apart this morning to set up a bed for a photo shoot. I just finished sewing a new flannel quilt, which I'll share next week to introduce the LouLou Flannels. The process of propping called for making some new pillow cases as well. I've been wanting to make some new pillow cases anyway just to play around with the borders in the Crossing Paths prints..... so fun. And layer on top of that detail the very enjoyable detail of already-made bias binding! Yes, you heard me, its finally here! When you consider the embarrassing amount of money I would be willing to spend to not make my own, I think these rolls come in quite reasonably. You don't even have to tip me.



Anyway, the shoot went really well, and fussing with the details to get everything just so from each angle, really takes a very, very long time, and still you could always tweak more...you know, just enough crumbles in the quilts to look comfortable, but just enough neatness to translate the quilt pattern....its all very finicky. Four hours of setting it all up and shooting. But highly pleasing for someone like me ... who's OCD tendencies and the desire to be in a good mood are at constant odds with one another. What was talking about? Details. We layered up two different quilts with the pillows for the photo shoot, and I really, really did not quite know or plan to have all the pieces bound with the exact same bias binding, its just happened that way. But I love how it looks.

And more details. My man left town today and is running a 50k tomorrow. I did not just accidentally type a zero behind that five. 5 0 k i l o m e t e r s. That's bout 30 miles. I am eating pretzels and hummus right , which I imagine is very different from running 30 miles. We are different like that. I run. But like 3 miles. And do you know what I love so very much about my running man? He is so genuinely proud of me and encouraging when I do little things like run 3 ten-minute miles. High five-ing me and everything. He is amazing. As much as we all like to tease him about his passion for running, we all are in awe of what he is able to do. Even if we discuss his glycogen levels more than I thought any two people could.

When I started this post, I didn't know what pillow cases and running 30 miles had to do with one another.... but I think Mr. 50k will make that clear to me sometime after the race tomorrow.

Run. Jeff. Run. I'll be preparing the finish line with lots of love.
xoxo, Anna

Cruel Boss?

For thirty years, Johnson had arrived at work at 9A.M. on the dot. He had never missed a day and was never late.

Consequently, when on one particular day 9 A.M. passed without Johnson's arrival, it caused a sensation. All work ceased, and the boss himself, looking at his watch and muttering, came out into the corridor.

Finally, precisely at ten, Johnson showed up, clothes dusty and torn, his face scratched and bruised, his glasses bent. He limped painfully to the time clock, punched in, and said, aware that all eyes were upon him, "I tripped and rolled down two flights of stairs in the subway. Nearly killed myself."

And the boss said, "And to roll down two flights of stairs took you a whole hour?"

Beautiful women

Beauty of the Day

At the Grocery (or New Levels of Boredom in Blog Reading)

If I were a checkout clerk at a grocery store, I would be the annoying kind that strikes up a conversation about the combinations of things that people are buying. I know I would. I would try not too, of course, but clerk-me would not be able to resist. Because of this, I often wonder what our clerks and baggers think of some of our purchase lists.



Very often any amount of weirdness in our choices is buried in a pile of keeping this family eating, and also very often buried in a pile of tag-along helpers when we do our shopping. We might be one of the only families of 8 that chooses to shop in large herds. The local Publix is just a hop, skip and a horse away from us, and right next to some of the kids favorite food, so we are often all here. Mostly split up all over the store, one in the bathroom, Jeff or I fetching a few from the cookie counter, there is always someone using the blood pressure machine at the pharmacy without permission and typically Roman likes to push the cart.

But when we spare ourselves that mess, I'll rattle off a coupla things and send Jeff out later at night. One recent favorite small list combo went like this: Melatonin, Benadryl, Beer, Ben & Jerry's. We are very proud of that one. If I were the clerk I would guess that we were trying to get a baby elephant to go to sleep. Nope, no elephant. Just us. Last night's mini list was comprised of: Diapers, Small Whole Pumpkin, Peanut Butter, Beer. While I am not sure what clerk-me would infer from that, I might start to notice the common denominator.

I am sorry about this post. Please do something more important and worth your time now.

Oh, but my recent favorite impulse-buy/plea from Isabela while we were being checked out was "Mom can we please buy Bridesmaids, it looks so funny !?"
(!!!!!)
"Absolutley not Bela, that is not appropriate for you.... or me."
(Which I know for sure now that I've seen it. Twice.)
"No mama, this one says 'Unrated', so its fine."

Ahhh, shopping. xoAnna

Back Seat Driver

A driver is stopped by a police officer. The driver asks, "What's the problem officer?"

Officer: "You were going at least 75 in a 55 zone."

Man: "No sir, I was only doing 65."

Wife: "Oh, Harry. You were going 80." (The man gives his wife a dirty look.)

Officer: "I'm also going to give you a ticket for your broken tail light."

Man: "Broken tail light? I didn't know about a broken tail light!"

Wife: "Oh Harry, you've known about that tail light for weeks." (The man gives his wife another dirty look.)

Officer: "I'm also going to give you a citation for not wearing your seatbelt."

Man: "Oh I just took it off when you were walking up to the car."

Wife: "Oh Harry, you never wear your seatbelt."

The man turns to his wife and yells, "SHUT YOUR MOUTH!"

The Officer turns to the woman and asks, "Ma'am, does your husband talk to you this way all the time?"

The wife says, "No sir, only when he's drunk."

Woman to woman

Beauty of the Day

Tickets, please!

3 engineers and 3 accountants are travelling by train to a conference. At the station, the 3 accountants each buy tickets and watch as the 3 engineers buy only a single ticket.

"How are 3 people going to travel on only one ticket?" asks an accountant.

"Watch and you'll see," answers an engineer.

They all board the train. The accountants take their respective seats but all three engineers cram into a restroom and close the door behind them. Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the restroom door and says, "Ticket, please."

The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on.

The accountants saw this and agreed it was quite a clever idea. So after the conference, the accountants decide to copy the engineers on the return trip and save some money (being clever with money, and all that). When they get to the station, they buy a single ticket for the return trip. To their astonishment, the engineers don't buy a ticket at all.

"How are you going to travel without a ticket?" says one perplexed accountant.

"Watch and you'll see," answers an engineer.

When they board the train the 3 accountants cram into a restroom and the 3 engineers cram into another one nearby. The train departs. Shortly afterward, one of the engineers leaves his restroom and walks over to the restroom where the accountants are hiding. He knocks on the door and says, "Ticket, please."

Beautiful women

Beauty of the Day

The idiot brothers

Jeb and Jethro live in the hills, about 5 miles outside of town. Jeb asks Jethro to go in to town to pick up some lumber. Jethro walks the 5 miles to town to the local lumberyard.

"Jeb says we're gonna need some 4 x 2's" Jethro tells the yardman.

"Do you mean 2 x 4's?" asks the yardman.

"Well, I don't rightly know, I better go ask Jeb" says Jethro and walks the 10 miles to the hills and back to town.

"Jeb says we're gonna need 2 x 4's" Jethro tells the yardman.

"Now, how many 2 x 4's will you need?" asks the yardman.

"Well, I don't rightly know, I better go ask Jeb." says Jethro, and again walks the 10 miles to the hills and back to town.

"Jeb says were gonna need about 40 of 'em" Jethro tells the yardman.

"Now, how long will you need them?" asks the yardman.

"Well, I don't rightly know, I better go ask Jeb" says Jethro and yet again walks the 10 miles to the hills and back to town.

Upon returning Jethro says to the yardman, "Jeb says you better give 'em to us for a while . . . we're gonna build a barn."

My beautiful body

Beauty of the Day

Marry me

Frank was madly in love with Susan, but couldn’t get up enough courage to pop the question face to face. Finally he decided to ask her on the telephone. “Darling! He blurted out, “Will you marry me?”

“Of course, I will, you silly boy,” she replied, “Who’s speaking?”

My beautiful body

Beauty of the Day

Bow Tie Friday

Roman and I are here with several public service announcements:

Eating animal crackers is fun.

Wearing a bow tie is cool.

Roman prefers the animal crackers to the bow tie.

I prefer the bow tie to the animal crackers.

We each put up with one for the other.

You are allowed to play with your food if you are eating animal crackers.

Its Friday.

All of the above go well together in my brain, and maybe only there.

Crunchy, sweet love to you and your weekend, Anna & Roman

(Style sources: Bow Ties, Animal Crackers, Laminate Tablecloth, Office Chair)

Nerd at its best!!

A guy was walking beside a pond when a frog jumped out and told him that she was really a beautiful princess and if he were to kiss her, she would make him VERY happy! He picked up the frog and put it into his pocket.

 

A few minutes later, the frog poked her head out and said, "Didn't you hear me?! I'm a beautiful princess and if you kiss me I will stay with you and do ANYTHING you want!"

The guy took the frog out and said, "Look, I understand what you are saying, but I am a computer programmer and right now I don't have time for a girlfriend,........but a talking FROG is REALLY, REALLY COOL!"

Ouma se Kombuis

Beauty of the Day

Doctor, doctor!

A man went to the doctor complaining of insomnia. The doctor gave him a thorough examination, found absolutely nothing physically wrong with him, and then told him, "Listen, if you ever expect to cure your insomnia, you just have to stop taking your troubles to bed with you."

"I know" said the man, "but I can't. My wife refuses to sleep alone."

Ouma se kombuis

Beauty of the Day

Ask a question and you will get an answer!

They always ask at the doctor's office why you are there, and you have to answer in front of others what's wrong and sometimes it is embarrassing. There's nothing worse than a Doctor's Receptionist who insists you tell her what is wrong with you in a room full of other patients. I know most of us have experienced this, and I love the way this old guy handled it.

An 86 year old man walked into a crowded waiting room and approached the desk.... The Receptionist said, "Yes sir, what are you seeing the Doctor for today?"

"There's something wrong with my dick", he replied.

The receptionist became irritated and said, "You shouldn't come into a crowded waiting room and say things like that."

"Why not? You asked me what was wrong and I told you," he said.

The Receptionist replied; "Now you've caused some embarrassment in this room full of people. You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something and discussed the problem further with the Doctor in private."

The man replied, "You shouldn't ask people questions in a room full strangers, if the answer could embarrass anyone."

The man walked out, waited several minutes and then re-entered.

The Receptionist smiled smugly and asked, "Yes??"

"There's something wrong with my ear", he stated.

The Receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice.

"And what is wrong with your ear, Sir??"

"I can't piss out of it," he replied.

The waiting room erupted in laughter.

Mess with seniors and you're gonna lose!

Ouma se Kombuis

Beauty of the Day

Ransom for mommy

Vicky was at a business conference. During a break, she decided to call home collect.

 Her six-year-old son picked up the phone and heard a stranger’s voice say, “We have Vicky on the line. Will you accept the charges?”

Frantic, the six-year-old dropped the receiver and came charging outside screaming, “Dad! They have Mom! And they want money!”

Ouma se Kombuis

Beauty of the Day

If what I think is happening, IS hapening, it better not be.

("sinister swarm" print detail in progress)

Hoooa No. Man. Thanks for all the moth info. I think. Ick. No really, I'm glad to take a sampling of all the common denominators in those comments and figure out our plan of attack (defense?).

In other maybe not so unrelated-to-icky-moth news, I am here to talk more about boys. The boys I currently have in the house- 39, 13, 11 and 2 - keep me exposed to everything from heart-achingly wonderful to utterly disgusting. You can make your own assumptions about that limited information. I knew enough about boys when I was first pregnant with Roman to know better than to actually want another one. After all I was (and still am) married to one and I was (and still am) raising two others (errhhh- am I raising all of them....?) But I did really, really hope that he was a boy before I knew. I dreamed that he was. I felt like I had figured boys out and was finally over the fact that I can't put dresses on them. It was like a whole new appreciation of boy personhood was opened up to me. Boys are wonderful. Just as beautiful as girls in their own way, and warm your heart in an entirely different way. I am so lucky to have them. Smelliness and all.

Speaking of lucky, here is our winner of Sewing for Boys + some cuts of my new flannel:

8:09 PM Jamie said...I have had my eyes on this book from the time the ladies announced its impending arrival on their blog about a year ago. Add this to your amazing flannel fabrics and who wouldn't be in line for that?

Congratulations Jamie, and email us with your home address to claim your loot!

Shop news! We've just added the Loulouthi Needleworks and my new Rose Era linens. I am so pleased with how both collections turned out, and didn't expect that both of these cross stitch inspired groups would be launching at the same time. A happy accident.

back to the drawing board, smooch, AM

(ps. does anyone recognize this post title...name that movie? Its my favorite movie line of all time and sums up the life of a mother (especially of boys) like nothing else. Are you cussing with me?)

Through the eyes of a child . . .

A nursery school driver was delivering a van full of kids home one day when a fire truck zoomed past. Sitting in the front seat of the truck was a Dalmatian dog. The children started discussing the dog’s duties.

‘They use him to keep crowds back,’ said Tommy.

‘No,’ said Billy, ‘he’s just for good luck.’

Peter brought the argument to a close. ‘They use the dogs, he said firmly, to find the fire hydrants….'

Beauty of the day

Want children?

A couple, desperate to conceive a child, went to their priest and asked him to pray for them. "I'm going on a sabbatical to Rome," he replied, "and while I'm there, I'll light a candle for you."

When the priest returned three years later, he went to the couple's house and found the wife pregnant, busily attending to two sets of twins. Elated, the priest asked her where her husband was so that he could congratulate him.

"He's gone to Rome, to blow that candle out" came the harried reply.

Beauty of the Day

Education at its best

It was the first day of school after summer vacation.

The kids had all arrived in the high school sophomore English class, and were chatting away, making new friends.

THEN…In walked a very stern looking English teacher and a hush fell over the room as the kids scurried to their seats.

The stern teacher silently panned his gaze across all the kids.

After about a minute or so, he spoke...

"From the outset, I want you all to know that there are two words that are absolutely unacceptable in this classroom.

You cannot use them as you recite, or in any of your papers, tests, or homework.

Using these words even once, will get you a failing grade for that quarter.

The first one is "gross"

And the other one is "cool"

Are there any questions?"

After a few moments of silence, this gawky teen at the back of the room raises his hand, and the teacher calls upon him.

In a pubescent croaking voice, the kid asks...

"So, what are they?"

Beauty of the day

Town Meeting

A seedy-looking man was sitting in the first row heckling the mayor as he delivered a lengthy speech.

Finally the mayor pointed to the heckler and said, "Will that gentleman who differs with me please stand up and tell the audience what he has ever done for the good of the city?"

"Well, Mr. Mayor," the man said in a firm voice. "I voted against you in the last election."

Beauty of the Day

Like a Moth to a Cracker

A few months ago, as I began to assemble inspirations and sketches for my 2012 fabric collections, I decided that moths among other naturalistic thingermaggigins would play a feature role in the line.
Not much later we discovered we had a serious moth problem in our kitchen.
I don't mean a couple of moths flying around.
I mean that I open a brand new box of pasta that has never been opened and a few moths fly out.
I then almost hurl, throw away the pasta, grab my purse and holler that we're going out.
We cleaned out the pantry entirely.
Like, scrubbed.
They're back.
Moth balls?
I thought moths liked wool. Or flames.
Ours like carbs.
My feelings towards that moth art have changed.
I almost decided I couldn't handle making moth art.
But this collection is a little bit based on throwing yourself into the midst.
Of anything. And studying it.
So I decided it should not just be a beautiful print, but a shrine-like offering to the moths, depicting the most beautiful moths our planet has to offer.
Not the ugly gray ones in our pantry that like Cheerios.
And flour.
And crackers.
I am also in the midst of sampling various wools for some crewel projects.
Wool. All over the house. My moths don't care.
I love crewel.
Its like pudgey embroidery.
I might have news on the crewel wool front at some point.
That would be nice.
I never find moths near my wool sweaters. Never find moth holes.
Could my moths be stupid?
Like my nephew Eli would say: "It's weeyurhd."

over and out. AM

A seat madam?

A radical feminist is getting on a bus when, just in front of her, a man gets up from his seat. She thinks to herself, "Here's another man trying to keep up the customs of a patriarchal society by offering a poor, defenceless woman his seat," and she pushes him back onto the seat.

A few minutes later, the man tries to get up again. She is insulted again and refuses to let him up.

Finally, the man says, "Look, lady, you've got to let me get up. I'm two miles past my stop already."

Beauty of the Day

So We Helped A Skunk

So I'm driving home driving home from dinner last night with my wife, it's like 16 degrees out. Cold as hell. Icicles on your balls kind of cold. So anyways we're going around a slow corner and she (my wife) spots a baby skunk lying on the side of the road. Being the animal lover she is, I get yelled at to pull over and help the little guy.

"Fine, I'll stop but you gotta get out and help it." I say. So she jumps out of the car and picks up this baby skunk. Poor little guy is half frozen but still alive. She says, "What should I do?" "Bring it in the car" I tell her and we'll "warm him up".

So she gets in with the skunk and asks, "How should I keep him warm?" I tell her "Put it between your legs." She replies "What about the smell?" So I say, "Just hold his nose!"

The doctors expect I'll make a full recovery, but the skunk she used to beat me with died during the incident.

Beauty of the day

I heart Boys

What Shelly Figueroa and Karen LePage got so right with Sewing For Boys is the keen combination of simple but slightly rough around the edges that is so completely perfect when sewing for the young lads in your life. I think you know by now that I don't share anything here that I don't truly adore, and I get shown many, many books. I share only those that I would be purchasing myself anyway, and this one is definitely in that category. I have already set aside cut lengths of my new (soon to be released) Loulou Flannels to make the Goodnight, Sweetheart PJs, plus some bias binding for the adorable piping detail. A long way to go to put a rowdy boy to bed? Not at all. The patterns are so straight forward, doting just enough on the details that make it worth home sewing to begin with. Roman has just outgrown most of the patterns in Handmade Beginnings, so I am happy to have this sweet and inspiring resource as staples for him. Who wants a copy? You will love it, leave me a comment and I'll draw a name next week for a giveaway.....I'll even throw in the above flannels just for fun.

In other news, I was honored to be a featured FACE (a super smiley one) of Nashville on the StyleBlueprint online mag today. It is a very well curated site, and as a mere coincidence, my friend Ashley Hylbert was hired for my photos. She took the first headshots I ever quivered my bottom lip through about 10 years ago. What I love about Ashley is she's talented, she's really fast, and she'll suggest something that I think is goofy, I whine, she talks me into it anyway, I do it, she looks at the photo and says things like, "No, you look stupid", or "I don't like your face in that". The world needs more honesty like hers.

What else..... OH! Those crazytown super wonderful people over at Sew4Home are giving away a serious pile of my loot! (This suddenly sounds like a local furniture store liquidation sale, but) Seriously lots and lots of stuff, so go enter for a chance to win. I don't even care if you don't want it, save it for Christmas gifts.

Think that's it.

I had Asian chicken for lunch today and it made me really thirsty. So I keep drinking. And I keep going to the bathroom, which is all the way downstairs. Its cutting into my work time.

Okay. That's really it. I couldn't guess where it would go from here anyway.
xo,Anna

How to have a snore-free night

By the time a soldier pulled into the little town, every hotel room was taken. "You've got to have a room somewhere", he pleaded with a proprietor. "Well, I do have a double room with one occupant, but he is an Air Force guy" admitted the manager, and he might be glad to split the cost. But to tell you the truth, he snores so loudly that people in adjoining rooms have complained in the past. I'm not sure it'd be worth it to you.

“No problem." the tired Army guy assured him, "I'll take it." The next morning the soldier came down to breakfasts bright-eyed and bushy tailed. "How'd you sleep?" asked the manager. "Never better", said the soldier. The manager was impressed. "No problem with the other guy snoring all night long?" "No, I shut him up in no time", explained the soldier.

"How'd you manage that?" asked the proprietor.

"Well, he was already in bed, snoring away, when I walked into the room, so I gave him a kiss on the cheek" explained the soldier. “Then, I whispered in his ear 'Good night beautiful', and he sat up all night watching me."

Beauty of the Day

10 year difference

Two of our little ones were only glimmers then. Juliana nearly 10. Nicolas 3. Joseph 18 mos. I had 3-wk-old Isabela in a snugly and was headed out the back door for a walk on a gorgeous, sunny day. My sister rang and told me to turn on the television instead. It was only a minute after the first plane had struck. Each of us, of course, remembers where we were. What we were doing. I know for certain what none of us was doing. None of us was waiting for an attack, not expecting the grief and mourning that is still the part of so many of our lives today. I feel like I am finally able to admit, perhaps boldly, even though I did not personally suffer tragedy on 9-11, that we all suffered. I was traumatized. I never felt it fair to feel that or certainly not respectful to say so. I still feel so much grief and sadness when I think back to those raw emotions of watching the story play itself out, changing second by second. I was transfixed nearly 24 hours a day with a baby who barely even knew she was out of the womb let alone think it appropriate to ever sleep more than a few hours. So it was myself, Isabela, and the television all night long, so many nights. I would not let go of her. I needed her to need everything from me. And even though the contrast of what I was holding and what I was watching could not have been greater, I am grateful that I was constantly reminded of the Good because of her precious, new innocence. Like a pill I had to take every three hours as I nursed her, to convince myself that there was still enough good, when I think so many of us questioned it. Didn't we? Thank God for good. So much of it all around us. It wasn't long after the tragedy that we gave up cable tv for good.

**********

I piled a load of children into the car for an early pickup on Friday to get everyone + their Greek dancing costumes to the festival in time for their first performance. All of the children took turns explaining the bits of 9-11 history and the heart wrenching stories that were part of their classrooms all day long. And every one of us cried. We shared grief. In small stories, broken and paused with deep breaths and with little sobs. And though no one said so, we all said how much we love each other and how fortunate we are to have one another. We said so with sadness that doesn't belong to us- it is sadness that we are only borrowing from those who truly have suffered, surely they are glad to give up a bit. Acknowledging that hurt in others acknowledges at the same time a fear in each of us, the fear of losing what we love the most- each other.

Watching my children dance the same dances that I grew up performing, those same songs and dances that I know make my father's heart proud and maybe his eyes a little damp, I can't help but feel celebration. Even today. I am thankful for freedom. I am thankful for diversity. I am thankful for peace. I want more of all 3 everywhere.

I celebrate each of us today, and I remember those lost.

PEACE & LOVE,
Anna Maria

(all photos from the still ongoing Greek Festival here in Nashville)

Make sure, even when you are dead!!

A woman decided to have her portrait painted. She told the artist, "Paint me with diamond rings, a diamond necklace, emerald bracelets, a ruby broach, and gold Rolex."

"But you are not wearing any of those things," he replied.

"I know," she said. "It's in case I should die before my husband. I'm sure he will remarry right away, and I want his new wife to go crazy looking for the jewellery."

Beauty of the Day

Save me please!!

From a passenger ship, everyone can see a bearded man on a small island who is shouting and desperately waving his hands.

"Who is it?" a passenger asks the captain.

"I've no idea. Every month when we pass, he goes nuts."

Beautiful Women

Beauty of the Day

After the Run

Do you know that your beautiful coat inspired my floor color? Nutty, creamy, beautiful, soft. I wuvvssu Weo. Thank you for running faster than me (aka kicking my butt) today.

This weekend I will be serving in the appetizer booth at the Greek Festival (she's going to kill me for that link), so come and say hello if you get a chance. The food is so good, and I have a whole gaggle of folk dancing children who will be performing too. One of these days I'll have to share all the costume making I've done for them for years. Which I should be getting back to now....

ps. you can see all of my bare white pre-moved-into studio and read about my inspirations in this quarter's issue of Studios Magazine. They are also going to follow up in the Winter issue with the moved-into studio feature. It was clean for like 2 hours. We took pictures. It hasn't been picked up again since. I am just glad there is printed evidence in their forthcoming issue.

sunny, cool days to you, Anna

Three Guys Fishing

There are these three guys and they're out having a relaxing day fishing. Out of the blue, they catch a mermaid who begs to be set free in return for granting each of them a wish.

Now one of the guys just doesn't believe it, and says: "OK, if you can really grant wishes, then double my I.Q."

"The mermaid says: "Done." Suddenly, the guy starts reciting Shakespeare flawlessly and analyzing it with extreme insight.

The second guy is so amazed he says to the mermaid: "Triple my I.Q."

The mermaid says: "Done." The guy starts to spout out all the mathematical solutions to problems that have been stumping all the scientists of varying fields: physics, chemistry, etc.

The last guy is so enthralled with the changes in his friends, that he says to the mermaid: "Quintuple my I.Q."

The mermaid looks at him and says: "You know, I normally don't try to change people's minds when they make a wish, but I really wish you'd reconsider. "

The guy says: "Nope, I want you to increase my I.Q. times five, and if you don't do it, I won't set you free."

"Please," says the mermaid "You don't know what you're asking...it'll change your entire view on the universe...won't you ask for something else... a million dollars, anything?"

But no matter what the mermaid said, the guy insisted on having his I.Q. increased by five times it's usual power.

So the mermaid sighed and said: "Done!"

And he became a woman.

Beauty of the day

Dusty Underwear

One evening a husband, thinking it would be being funny, said to his wife "Perhaps we should start washing your clothes in Slim Fast. Maybe it would take a few inches off of your butt!" His wife was not amused, and decided that she simply couldn't let such a comment go unrewarded.

The next morning the husband took a pair of underwear out of his drawer. "What the Hell is this?" he said to himself as a small dust cloud appeared when he shook them out. 'April,' he hollered into the bathroom, "Why did you put talcum powder in my underwear?"

She replied with a snicker, "It's not talcum powder honey... it's Miracle Grow!"

Jenny Love

Beauty of the Day

That Sewing Doo-hicky

Here is where I explain some stuff.

A Janome sewing machine has been on my sewing table for more than 13 years. I don't mean one or another Janome sewing machine, I mean the same one. Until recently. I was approached by the company almost a year ago about the prospect of working together, and was immediately excited and encouraged that selling me on their machines would be no work at all. I was already in love. But they almost laughed when I told them I was still sewing on a Memory Craft 5700. Regardless of having the opportunity to sew with many machines (they just sort of show up here) nothing could ever make me stop sewing on that machine. Honest to goodness. I would always go back to it, ignoring whatever gadgets were suppose to be the latest and greatest. And I think that does say something, it says that my machine has filled a need for me that I didn't need to or want to replace.... it never gave me a reason to look around for anything else, so we have a history.

Admittedly, I get asked frequently what I sew with, as though I might be an authority- I am not- just some experience. Many people are passionate about their machine brand- finding what you are comfortable on is so important- and different for everyone. I've never felt it a really big deal, to tout one over another, brag, insist, push, convert. The thing I have learned about sewing machines, is that really, who cares? I am always way more interested in what I am making than what is pushing the thread up and down, or making the bobbin whirl..... its just never present in my mind. On the few occasions that I've had the chance to sew with the Rainbow Around the Block team, in all the hours and hours of sewing together, not one of us talked about our machine or machine brand. We talked about our quilts, our fabrics, our projects and our families.

But back to stuff. After the past year of slowly developing the new relationship, I feel convinced that the folks who design, invent and make Janome machines know this. They know you have a choice, and most of us care more about perfecting our piecing, or dashing our darts than the name on our machines. I think that's part of what is working so well for them. They don't rest on or push the name as much as they just make quality products. So no wonder, I guess, that I was compelled to work with them, and I'm happy (jumping up and down) to say that I'll have the opportunity to try out several models, review them, and give old faithful a rest (not that she needs it) every now and then. And you might see someone familiar in their mag ads. Sorry about that.

So who cares?

Well you don't have to. But here is what it will mean for anyone who does care. I am partnering with Janome quarterly to create new free sewing projects, videos (oh dear) highlighting some steps from those projects, and going on some road trips to dealers around the country to share the love. I am thrilled that they were open to working together in whatever way I came up with. And I came up with it because I want my work to be helpful, and inspiring for everyne who supports what I do. And that's you, of course. I have already met so many wonderful and brilliant folks within the company. My quick weekend trip to Orlando was to give my first official hello at their biannual convention. I loved learning more about the history of the company, meeting Janome dealers from every point on the globe and getting to be among the first to see gorgeous new models.

But really all I ever wanted to was to have anything to do with anyone who designs the Hello Kitty sewing machines. Amen.

So here's my Janome + Me page, where we'll be adding more of my updates regarding that world. So I'll just shut up now.

smoochie.AM

What Not To Do When Forgetting Your Anniversary

John was in trouble, really big trouble. You see, he forgot his wedding anniversary and, if you're married, you can imagine what he's probably going through. His wife was really pissed.

She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE!" She was serious too, so John got serious.

The next morning he woke up early and left for work. When his wife woke up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box gift-wrapped, right there in the middle of the driveway. Confused, the wife threw her robe on and ran out to the driveway, brought the box back in the house and opened in with much anticipation.

Inside she found a brand new bathroom scale.

John has been missing since Thursday.

Beauty of the day

Potty Mouths for Breakfast

A 6 year old and a 4 year old are upstairs in their bedroom. "You know what?" says the 6 year old. "I think it's about time we started cussing." The 4 year old nods his head in approval. The 6 year old continues, "When we go downstairs for breakfast, I'm gonna say something with hell and you say something with ass." The 4 year old agrees with enthusiasm.

When the mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 6 year old what he wants for breakfast, he replies, "Aw, hell, Mom, I guess I'll have some Cheerios." WHACK! He flies out of his chair, tumbles across the kitchen floor, gets up, and runs upstairs crying his eyes out, with his mother in hot pursuit, slapping his rear with every step. His Mom locks him in his room and shouts,"You can stay there until I let you out!" She then comes back downstairs, looks at the 4 year old and asks with a stern voice, "And what do YOU want for breakfast, young man?" "I don't know," he blubbers, "but you can bet your fat ass it won't be Cheerios."

My Beautiful Body

Beauty of the Day

The moral of the story

A teacher gave her class of 11 year olds an assignment: To get their parent to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it.

The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories.

Ashley said, 'My father's a farmer and we have a lot of egg laying hens. One time we were taking our eggs to market in a basket on the front seat of the car when we hit a big bump in the road and all the eggs got broken.

'What's the moral of that story?' asked the teacher.

'Don't put all your eggs in one basket!'

'Very good,' said the teacher.

Next little Sarah raised her hand and said, 'Our family are farmers too. But we raise chickens for the meat market. One day we had a dozen eggs, but when they hatched we only got ten live chicks, and the moral to this story is, 'Don't count your chickens before they're hatched'.'

'That was a fine story Sarah.'

Michael, do you have a story to share?'

'Yes. My daddy told me this story about my Aunt Sharon. Aunt Sharon was a flight engineer on a plane in the Gulf War and her plane got hit.

She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was a bottle of whisky, a machine gun and a machete.

She drank the whiskey on the way down so it wouldn't break and then she landed right in the middle of 100 enemy troops.

She killed seventy of them with the machine gun until she ran out of bullets. Then she killed twenty more with the machete until the blade broke. And then she killed the last ten with her bare hands.'

'Good heavens,' said the horrified teacher, 'what kind of moral did your daddy tell you from that horrible story?'

'Stay the fuck away from Aunt Sharon when she's been drinking.'

Beauty of the Day

Typical Lawyer

Two lawyers, Jon and Pete, head out for their usual 9 holes of golf. Jon offers Pete a $50 bet. Pete agrees and they're off. They shoot a great game. After the 8th hole, Pete is ahead by one stroke, but cuts his ball into the rough on the 9th.

''Help me find my ball. Look over there,'' he says to Jon. After a few minutes, neither has any luck. Since a lost ball carries a four point penalty, Pete secretly pulls a ball from his pocket and tosses it to the ground. ''I've found my ball!'' he announces.

''After all of the years we've been partners and playing together," Jon says, "you'd cheat me out of a lousy 50 bucks?''

''What do you mean, cheat? I found my ball sitting right there!''

''And you're a liar, too!'' Jon says. ''I'll have you know I've been STANDING on your ball for the last five minutes!''

Beautiful women

Beauty of the day

Grass is Greener?

Diana, one evening, drew her husband's attention to the couple next door and said, 'Do you see that couple? 

How devoted they are? He kisses her every time they meet. Why don't you do that?'

'I would love to do that,' replied Diana's husband, 'but the problem is..........she won't let me.'

My Beautiful Body

Beauty of the Day